The Mental Load of Motherhood: What It Is and How to Reduce It

This article was written by Charissa Promes — maternal mental health advocate, mother of three, founder of Mommy Meetings, and host of the Topmoeders podcast.

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Up to 75% of the women in heterosexual relationships do the majority of the care and household chores. No matter if they have a paid job or not. When children come along, dads pick up more child caring work, but start doing even less in the household, by up to 5 hours less. When I initially saw these numbers, I was completely fumbled. ‘But why, how, and mostly why?’ I looked at my husband and got angry at first.

Because raising a family is not only in the doing. It’s also in the planning, anticipating bumps in the road, remembering tiny details, and so on. Also known as ‘the mental load’. And at that time I was over-loaded.

I felt anger for a while, but then realized that I’m not alone in this, and neither is my husband. Both of us are simply a product of a system. But that didn’t mean I had to settle for our situation. The first step to change is awareness. And once we knew better, we did better. And with the right tools so can you and your partner.

In this blog we’ll discuss how it can be done without breaking out in a fight.

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There’s something the first and second wave of women’s right warriors forgot and that is motherhood.

We fought for power over the timing or prevention of motherhood. We fought for being able to provide for our family without depending on a man. Unfortunately that last part left out that women now have two jobs, one inside and the other outside of the home. As a consequence, women were put on overdrive and men, well they stayed in their one job for the longest time and called themselves the provider.

‍The millennial dads however are considered the generation of fathers who spent the most time with their children. They also participate more in the household. Which is a start. I see it all the time, men contributing in their way, but the brunt of the responsibilities, mental, emotional and physical work still lays on the women’s shoulders.

So now it’s time to take the next step towards having a fairly divided household. 

What does ‘fair’ mean?

The American researcher Eve Rodsky is the writer of Fair Play, a book about household division. She classifies ‘fair’ not necessarily as 50/50, but a division that takes into account the free time, workload and natural talents of each one of the people.

Rodsky focuses on dividing the household between partners, but if you’re co-parenting or your children are older, dividing tasks between you and them is more than fair. And let’s not forget that you can outsource chores (paid or non-paid) to your loved ones or professionals. 

Benefits of a fairly divided household

For years girls have been doing better at school than boys and that continues all the way through higher education. Young women are more likely to finish their education and in a faster pace than young men. But once both hit the workforce, household and child caring duties slow women down or even bring their career to a full halt.

With a more equal distribution of the household this can change. And moms, if bearing the brunt of the household is bringing you down, it needs to change.

Mothers who struggle balancing professional and personal responsibilities are increasingly burning-out, losing their sense of self, and ending up at home, unable to deliver paid work and therefore becoming unwillingly financially dependent.

On the other hand, freeing up time for yourself holds so many benefits. More mental space means less stress, which is the number one cause of (chronic) physical health issues in women. Women who have taken on long lost hobbies or interests say they experience an increase in personal satisfaction; more engagement in new communities which spark their social life; deep dives into new subjects lead to careers that are in alignment with their talents and ambitions. 

The self-confidence and positive energy released from those achievements, can then be poured back into your family, your part of the household and your career.

Another important benefit is the flourishing effect on your relationship with your partner. Carrying an unfair part of the household creates resentment and separation between spouses. Leaving less and less room for healthy communication, affection, let alone sexual intimacy. Bluntly said, a fair division of the household makes more space and willingness for sex.

In short:

allowing yourself to create more time for yourself by sharing the load in a fair way, allows you to be a full dimensional version of yourself, instead of just mom, worker and wife.

And that benefits, well, everyone.

How to prevent or stop mental overload

By now, you’re hopefully convinced that ‘just doing it all by yourself’ is costing you a lot. And you’re willing to make a change in your family life. But how? Let’s get into it. 

Create a relaxed atmosphere for you and your partner and take your time. Then start by scoping out the status-quo. How are chores divided at the moment? You can easily do that by downloading the ‘100 chores for families with young kids’ cheat sheet. Doing this will help clear your head and it will give you an insight on how much you and your partner are actually doing. You think you know, but seeing it on paper makes all the difference. You may want to shift straight into re-dealing the cards after that, but it’s important to set a few ground rules first. 

Ground rule number 1: All time is created equal.

Each of you have 24 hours of life to live each day, so it doesn’t matter if that time is spent in service of your family or at a paid job. Both and anything in between are equally valuable.

Ground rule number 2: Fair doesn’t always mean 50-50

Some cards require more time, effort or mental load than others. Your or your partner’s physical capacity or other personal limitations may require you to temporarily take on more or less from the load. This is partnership, and it doesn’t always have to stay this way. There will be plenty of times when chores will be redivided. 

Ground rule number 3: Everyone takes ownership of their chores (notice, plan, execute)

You and your partner are both responsible for noticing when your chore needs to get done, when you need to plan or prepare for it, and for executing the chore according to the standards you set as a couple.

So the ground rules are established and it’s clear who’s taking on what right now. Now it’s time for a shift. Take a look at each chore and say who’s best to take that on, at least for now. Mind you, this doesn’t have to be the person who’s already doing it. Check in each week, month or bi-monthly how everyone is getting on with their chores and if some chores need to be switched around.  

The last step is the best part. Now that you’ve got some stuff off your plate, don’t let other responsibilities creep in and take up that freed up space. Instead claim that time for you and activities that make you uniquely you. Ones that light you up and that you can share with the world. Baking, playing an instrument, dancing, styling your home, reading tarot, arts and crafts, … the possibilities are endless. And you now have the space to explore them.

Charissa Promes is a maternal mental health coach and provides families with digital and offline services to help them thrive in their home life. For professional guidance in dividing the household fairly or to get your home itself optimally organized for your wellness, she’s your go-to person. 

Download the free ‘100 chores for families with young kids’ cheat sheet and start dividing your household fairly. 

Frequently Asked Questions:

What are the benefits of a fair division of household and care tasks?

Having a fair division between partners of the household and care tasks means less stress for women. In exchange this causes less physical health problems in moms. A higher feeling of personal satisfaction, a more lively social life and deeper exploration of talents and ambitions. 

A more relaxed mother, or parent in general, creates a more relaxed environment for their kids. A big plus is the improvement of your sexual life as a couple. Less tension makes more room to rekindle your once burning love for each other. 

My spouse doesn’t want to do anything around the house, what do I do?

Your partner may not be jumping for joy if asked to do more around the house. It’s important to again have a talk in a relaxed setting. Explain what the mental overload is causing inside and outside of you right now (mental health problems, physical symptoms, a messy, stressful household, etc.). Explain the benefits to doing it a different way. Then agree to at least try it for at least a couple of weeks. 

Whenever I let my partner do a chore that’s on his list, it feels like it’s not done and I end up finishing it anyway or redoing the whole thing. Why is this not working?

If you end up redoing or finishing a chore that’s actually your partner’s responsibility, you probably need to re-visit the talk about the minimum standard of executing a chore. This is a critical step into being able to fully letting go of a task and should not be skipped. 

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